Part Two: Brain Chemistry

I've recently come to wonder why the term ‘mental illness’ makes most people react with fear and secrecy? One reason I think ‘mental illness’ is an unfair term is that, at least for me, the word illness makes people visualize some sort of contagious disease. (As if you could CATCH being any sort of crazy.) But changing it to something like ‘mentally disturbed’ instead isn't any better in my book.

The way I see it, it really is all about your brain betraying you, making you see the world in a new and usually frightening light. Things that were once so normal, like going to church or the grocery store, are now gigantic mountains to scale. You see and experience things differently than those around you, and sometimes trying to explain it to those around you is easier said than done.  

Even though I struggle with seeing and experiencing the world like everyone else I’m still ME. Nothing much has changed, just that my brain interprets some signals differently, underplaying some and blowing others out of proportion. I’ve been lucky and blessed to have friends and family that still recognize me beneath my insecurities and weird habits.

Some people are able to live just fine with these symptoms, but for those whose symptoms become unbearable  PLEASE know there are many different ways to manage. There’s therapy, medication, meditating, yoga, animals, music, exercise, sports etc. What many people don’t understand is there are OPTIONS. If you feel you need help start checking out your options through research. You may find one option to be more helpful than all of them combined, or that certain combinations work better than any single one alone.

The option I began with was medication. What I want to stress most of all is that medication is not for everyone. For me it was. At the time I felt I needed some serious intervention or else I was going to be in a bad place…well, a worse place, sooner rather than later. Now, for some, the idea of taking medication to change the chemistry in the brain is a terrifying idea and there are people who would never ever take it. And you know what? That’s cool. People have a right to decide how they want to treat themselves and I made the decision to begin taking meds.

I remember the doctor and I talking about starting me on anti-anxiety/depression meds and feeling this incredible wave of relief wash over me. Here was someone who actually believed that there was something wrong with me! He actually took all the other tests into consideration rather than insisting we run them all again. I came close to crying in relief as we began discussing my future options.

Now, let me just say, for the record, that meds of ANY kind are not something to mess around with. EVER. While they are designed to help and alleviate symptoms there is still much that is unknown about the brain, so there’s a reason to be careful. One reason to be careful is because of side effects. The side effects for the initial meds I was taking were fairly light. My doctor encouraged me to just keep pushing through the nastier ones and see what happens.

That is one thing about anxiety/depression meds I didn’t know about when I started. You have to be patient and just keep trying. Most drugs can take up to two, sometimes even three weeks before the take effect. Again, meds are not the “magic pill” that fix every problem as soon as you take them. It takes time to readjust your brain chemicals and it’s got to be done slowly and with professional help. (You also should not ever these meds quit cold turkey by the way. That leads to other problems.)

My doctor also stressed that I should come right back in if there were any more dizzy or weak spells because then it might point to a more serious brain problem (tumor, lesions etc), only he said it in more clinical terms. (Cue the anxiety coming in waves almost immediately.)

All was well, and I was waiting for the first week to finish up. The side effects for me included nausea all the dang time as well as dry mouth. It was unpleasant, but I was willing to push through in order to see if this would work for me and give me some relief. For me my brain was broken and I needed the help. I was handling the side effects pretty well until one morning I woke up and I kid you not, I was stoned out of my mind. I was so confused and disoriented. I stumbled into the bathroom, my mind racing, my heart pounding in my chest, and got a good look at my face. My eyes were empty, my skin super pale. I hardly recognized myself. Like I said, stoned. 

Luckily a small part of my brain realized I was in no condition to drive to work or anywhere. I sat in the bathroom, trying to form some sort of coherent thought on what to do next. It was so strange. I've never had my brain stop working like that. It took me forever to decide whether or not to go back to bed because in my mind it was morning and I was already up. Going back to bed seemed pointless. But the thought of eating made me gag and I wasn't even sure how to dress myself. I eventually came to the conclusion that maybe if I went back to bed I could sleep this off. 

I went back to bed but sleep never came. All I could do was toss and turn as my mind raced from one implausible scenario to the next. I spent the next few hours absolutely freaking out about how I was going to have to quit my job and move back home because I could no longer take care of myself. I mean, I couldn’t even get dressed! This of course got my anxiety going nice and strong, just bursts of fear and dread shooting through my head and chest. There were even certain points where I was convinced that I would be ending up in the hospital before the day was over. 

It’s a really scary thing when your brain can’t tell reality from anxiety-driven thoughts. This is one of the harder things for me to deal with and accept about my anxiety. I will just have one thought in my brain over and over and over and while it is happening it is so difficult to realize what is going on in the moment. Once the general freak-out has passed it is easy for me to look back and be all, “Huh. Well of course that isn’t true.”

It was several hours later before I calmed down enough to take steps to get an appointment with my doctor for that day and he immediately switched me to a new medicine. It took some more some trial and error with different doses, but so far my meds are doing their job and have helped to lower my anxiety and depression levels by a considerable amount.

I would encourage those of you who are going through a particularly rough or dark patch to explore your options. You might hit your right combination right off the bat or you may have to be patient for a while. I had to be observant in my moods, my thoughts, and my physical well-being while we got things figured out. I'm still on alert, but making sure everything is running smoothly. One thing is certain and that is YOU need to be involved in the process. Ask questions when you have them. Read REPUTABLE sources (Believe me, there is crazy, and then there is CRAZY crazy). Pray (if that's your thing) for direction on how to proceed. I am learning to be more vocal concerning my needs. Things were going well for a while after I switched meds, then I sunk right back down in a deep depression. I had to let someone know so it could be adjusted. You have a right to be involved in your own treatment. 

Part of having a mental illness makes you feel like this is it and there's no reason to go on and there's no hope for recovery, that you will always feel this way no matter what. THAT my friends is a big fat LIE. You might think that you will always feel this way and that there is no hope, but believe me, there are people out there who know what you are going though and there are ways to feel happy and hopeful again. Your brain might be a little off right now, but you don’t have to feel like that forever. There is hope. 

Go forward and survive. 

Until next time friends,
Em