I'm Not Firing on All Cylinders. So What?

Ah, my friends! It is really is so good to ‘see’ you again. Thank you so much for not giving up on me!

This past year has been pretty crummy health-wise. I’ve had a brain MRI, a spinal tap, a blood patch to FIX a leak from said spinal tap, emergency gallbladder removal, a spinal MRI, nerve tests, many blood tests, many OTHER tests that I can’t even remember the names of, and I’m writing this as I’m recovering from a nasty bout of the flu.

The reason for most of these tests has to do with symptoms I’ve been experiencing for the past few years.  I gradually began to notice that I was feeling dizzy and lightheaded much of the time, so much so that I was in constant fear of passing out. Strange thoughts began to take over my life such as the firm belief that I was going insane and would need to be hospitalized, or that my heart was going to suddenly stop or explode.

The feeling that I was going to pass out got so bad that I began going to many different doctors to try and figure out what was wrong with me. (General practitioners, neurologist, etc) This started a myriad of tests for diabetes, MS, cancer, kidney and liver failure etc. (Everything was fine).  Was I anemic? (No.) Did I have some kind of ear infection? (Gross, but no.) My heart and blood pressure were both fantastic. Yet I was still shaky on my legs and feeling like I was watching my life from outside my body.

It began taking a real toll on my emotional health as well. One doctor would tell me I was fine but I should be drinking lots of Gatorade to balance electrolytes. Another told me to eat more protein. Another told me that I must be dehydrated. I tried each suggestion but the same thing happened after each office visit where I complained of brain fog, dizziness, and weakness. ALL of my labs would come back normal! I just KNEW something was wrong, but somehow I wasn't explaining it correctly. I needed someone to believe me. I was so stressed about it because it was really, REALLY worrying me. I just knew that I was going to pass out while I was driving, or at the grocery store, or in the middle of a meeting. It absolutely consumed my thoughts. I hated the feeling that I was losing all control in my life.

It was a vicious, vicious cycle. I would notice the dizziness or shortness of breath creep in, then begin to really panic, which would in turn make my symptoms get worse, which only made me more and more worried. I was slowly losing the ability to function outside my apartment. I was having panic attacks in the grocery store, at work, at church, and slowly I began to have them at my apartment. For me, they were this awful, crushing weight on my soul, a feeling that at any moment I was going to die and there was nothing I could do about it. Other symptoms were a feeling of impending doom, a belief that I was crazy etc. I remember sitting at work one day last December, glancing out the window, realizing it was snowing and that I would have to drive in said snow and right then my lungs stopped working. I was frozen for what seemed an eternity in absolute terror, a deer in the headlights, just in the grip of some unspeakable horror. Once I remembered how to breathe I realized right then that this was not normal, and it was not going to just go away on its own, and that it was time I asked for help.

This started me on yet another journey into the workings of my body and my brain. We were finally able to determine that these symptoms had nothing to do with a malfunctioning kidney or liver, but rather my brain. These symptoms of despair, panic, doom, fear, worry etc stemmed from a rather traumatic car accident several years back that left me with latent PTSD and from there gradually morphed into severe anxiety and depression. 

The feelings of depression were fairly easy to recognize, although it sure did take me a while to figure out what this black hole of despair actually was-After all, I assured myself, it must be hormones, it must be the weather, it must just be an off day…week…month…ok, wow. MONTHS. The symptoms of anxiety were a little more difficult to pin down, but once I was made aware of it and began taking steps to control it the severity of these attacks has decreased somewhat. In fact, that was the whole reason I wrote this post tonight. I was sitting in my apartment thinking, Wow. I sure am a heckuvalot happier than I was a year ago.

Now, if I were to try and explain everything about my journey and choices right here in this one blog post you’d be sitting in front of your computer, tablet, or Smartphone for a LONG time reading through everything.  So I’m breaking my journey up into bite-sized portions. Oh and believe me. There will be more. :) I'm writing these posts to share my side of the story, not to fish for sympathy. If you suffer from any sort of mental illness just know that there are many others who share your struggles and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. 

I guess what I really want to say in this specific blog post is thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for your love, kindness, and understanding. This struggle, this illness has taken its toll, and the one I am most sad about is the social aspect of my life. If you feel that I’ve pulled away from you, you’re right. I have. I don’t like it and I wish it would just go away and I could be instantaneously back to ‘normal’. So I apologize for withdrawing here on the Internet (and to my friends in real life). Social interaction is just reeeeeeally hard and not as fun as it used to be for me. But know that you are all very special in my life. I love hearing from you, even if takes me a while to respond. I am slowly working on (if not overcoming, at least managing) living with anxiety and depression. 

Until next time friends!
Love,
Em