Yes. This post comes to you at 1 a.m., but I couldn't wait until morning. I had to write it right now as I am coming to several conclusions on my own. I have several important things to say and I WILL SAY THEM.Dealing with depression, PTSD, as well as anxiety can be (and is) overwhelming. It has damaged my emotional, mental, physical, and at times my spiritual health. I not only have to deal with the way it makes me feel, I am constantly aware of how it affects those around me.
And I don't have to apologize to anyone ever again about it.
I do not need to apologize to anyone for my recovery rate.
I do not need to feel pressure to keep up appearances when I am having a bad day. It is ok to acknowledge I might be having a really sucky day.
I can and have the right to remove myself from a setting or situation that triggers me.
I do not need to feel bad for taking care of myself.
I do not need to feel guilt that I want to take some time and focus on myself.
This is not something I am making up to get attention. This is not a 'fun', 'easy' or 'romantic' disease that adds a cute quirk to my personality. While the symptoms are (literally) in my head they affect me physically as well. A small sampling of an anxiety attack can include:
A feeling of impending doom, that something horrible is about to happen and that I am in very real danger
A strong sense of fear
The feeling that I am not getting enough oxygen (which brings on even more panic)
Confusion and Depersonalization (Feeling detached from reality)
Dizziness (Lightheadedness, unsteady on my feet)
A fear that I am going crazy
Numbness and tingling in my arms and face (stroke symptoms to my panicking brain)
Chest pain (Again with deathly symptoms like a heart attack)
An urge to hide (usually in a closet or under a desk)
Don't even get me started on PTSD flashbacks or depression. I don't like dwelling on these issues, but I have slowly learned to acknowledge they did happen to me and whether I like it or not, they are a part of my life. These illnesses are my reality, as much as I hate them and I know (at least I do today for now) that I can be stronger than they.
Sitting down and writing this gives me a feeling of empowerment, and a reassurance that living my life is possible. I do not need to bow down to this trial and let it walk all over me. I am more than my trials.
It does get better. I can get better. I will recover.
